I guess I'm just tired of trying to control everything. That has been the main concept of my life. I didn't have enough control in my childhood. Cruel and vicious things kept happening, and I was just a boy caught in the middle of it all. I lost my father without having a chance to say goodbye, and these memories have haunted me for years.

How can I save myself and my family? I have to find a job and work hard, but the pressure is weighing me down. Money is the key, the solution for a control freak like me. With money, I can plan and think ahead. However, I also recognize that it can be a trap. While it may be a useful tool, it should not become the sole focus or goal I strive to achieve.

But what is the goal? Do I have a dream to pursue? Honestly, I have never had a dream. I don't aspire to travel around the world. I don't want to have children who would simply be miniature versions of myself. I don't seek fame.

I would like to have a private house of my own, but I understand that it cannot be considered a dream. I am almost there. However, I fear that when I finally achieve it, it will not bring me the emotional fulfillment I am striving for. I'm afraid that I have been working for nothing.

And what comes next? Is the next goal to work hard to buy a big TV and a comfortable chair? That just seems ridiculous. There has to be something we are doing all this for. Something that keeps me going, despite all the foolish people around me, the cruelty, violence, and crimes they commit.

I don't need any simplistic, half-hearted solutions like religion. I don't want to believe in something just because my life lacks meaning. However, I do understand people who are okay with that. Life is harsh, and for some, it becomes an unbearable burden to keep living like this.